After about a year living with mom and the drunk, i spent a much needed peaceful weekend alone, house-sitting, just enjoying some quiet time. Stopped and dug some flowers on the way to the cemetary, and drove into town. I decided to do my usual drive-by down Josh’s street. I’d been gone a year and a half, had a new hair-cut and color, new teeth, and no one knew my vehicle. So I’m safe. I drove right by the house. Not a soul in sight. Turn the corner, and another, and there goes Josh’s uncle Joey, walking home from a beer run with a friend. So, last second decision, i rolled down my window and said, “Hey Joey! Hey Metro!”

They both had to look at me about 3 times before either knew who i was. “What the fuck? Thelma is that you?” Yep, its me. How you been? You know, the usual convo after time away. He told me to go to his house, (just around another corner) Heather and the kids (all SIX of them) would love to see me. And oh good god would i love to see them. So i pull in and wait for him to get there. We went inside and i was greeted with more love than i knew a person could handle at once. So much love from so many kids all starving for love back. Joey & Heather aren’t the most attentive loving parents to begin with, rather be high and/or drunk than anything. And with SO many needing love, just not enough to go around. So i give each one as much as i possibly can to make up for lost time. My name being yelled in all directions. Wow. I forgot it was this loud here. Lol. But i LOVE these babies, each and every one, as my own. I wish i had pictures of them all. Only a couple. But i will tell you about them.
Melanie Marie (MooMoo) is 13
Haley Faith is 11
Joseph Isaiah(JoJo) is 9
Cheyenne Starr(ShinyStarr) is 7
Gracie Denise is 5
Dennis Ray(DenDen) is 4

First, Melanie Marie. Beautiful little fiery red-head. And when i say fiery….this one’ll tell ya to FUCK OFF in a heartbeat. Like i said, not the best parents, all these kids are HELL RAISERS!!! She’s the oldest. I’m not EXACTLY sure on ages, but i believe Mel is now 13. MooMoo as she’s called by everyone, is VERY special. *grabs tissue box* I’ll need these. Melanie has been in complete kidney failure and on dialysis 3 times a week for the entire second half of her sweet lil life. I never was really clear on a cause. I just know that about 7 years ago, Heather was washing dishes when JoJo started yelling for her, and sounding serious. She ran to her room where he and Mel had been playing and watching cartoons, and Mel was lying on her back, white as a ghost, lips blue, in the center of the bed. I don’t know much between then and when i came along a couple years later, except that little girl has spent these last 7 years or so in hell. She’s been in and out of the hospital, sometimes for months at a time. Those months in the hospital were spent with her mom and aunt Kathy (the one who tried to kill me) taking turns staying a week or two. These stays consisted of machines and needles and tests and all the things that not even us adults can bear the thought of. This was a child, missing everything. Starting at age 6, and still living this way today. Over 2 dozen surgeries, including 2 rejected kidney transplants. A motorized fistula in her arm, to make dialysis easier, which has been moved over a dozen times since she’s had it. Chest, neck, arm, stomach, side, BACK to the arm, etc. Can’t remember how many feeding tubes, cuz she couldn’t hold anything down. Her machines have come home with her, simply so she wouldn’t have to LIVE at the hospital. That was a bad idea to start with. 5 younger siblings and 2 drunk/strung-out parents do NOT make for a proper environment. Leading into NUMEROUS infections, which lead, of course, back to the hospital for Mel. And Heather. And Kathy. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. No wonder the kid don’t care to tell ya to fuck off, whether you are family, friend, nurse, surgeon, social worker, yep, you can get it. And best to just take it, cuz she won’t stop there. Kid’s a fighter. Its all she knows. Even developed some SERIOUSLY off the wall OCD tendencies because of the lack of control over her life. Example: If Mel is eating near you, please keep both feet flat on the floor. She doesn’t want to see what you’ve stepped in while she eats. Or, give her a bucket of halloween candy, give her sandwich baggies, and watch her organize. By color, by name, by whatever she’s feeling at the moment. And the dr said LET HER HAVE IT. Anything that only affects her that she can control, let her. Its ALL she’s got. Her fave food? Cheese pizza. Worst for her phosphorous levels? Cheese. MANY MANY foods she can’t have. Chocolate. Nothing dairy. Only clear soda to drink, (sprite, sierra mist) & she is only allowed 8 ounces of liquid A DAY. Kidneys can’t handle it. She is supposed to exercise so much a day to keep her body going, but with no one to really care….the last time i saw Mel, about 4 months ago, she had to be carried to the bathroom because her muscles are becoming atrophied where no one will help/make her get up and do it. They had a wheel chair on order for a 13 yr old girl who weighs about 40 pounds. I weigh 90 and carried her with no problem. I hope with all my heart that she is doing well, and that someday she can live as close to a normal life as possible. I hope that SOMEONE, ANYONE will STEP THE FUCK UP and give this angel the love and care that she needs to even survive another day in this world. I love you my Melly, with all my heart and soul.
*wipes eyes and sniffles*
Ok…made it thru that one. The rest are cake. Afterthought: (Or so i thought)

Haley, or as I called her, Haley-bug. Haley is 6 months older than my youngest, so she helps me keep track of their ages. (Thanks Bug) lol (Haley & my OLDEST daughter Shayla share the same bday also) Anyway, as i said, 6 mos older than my YOUNGEST, 11 yrs old, Haley Faith is the closest thing to a MOTHER the younger ones have. The last time i talked to Haley, (the same nite i carried poor Mel to the potty) she confided in me that SHE had been getting up in the mornings and making sure that JoJo, Chey, Gracie, & Den had breakfast, and that the older 2 and herself were dressed and ready when their ride to school came. *grabs tissue* DAMMIT thought i was done with those. Once they were off to school, Den and Mel were left to watch tv til passed out mom & dad wake up. Probably from a night of screaming, cursing, fighting (literally), throwing & breaking shit, drinking, smoking, snorting, god knows what. But…Haley. Just like Mel, Haley has missed her whole childhood, raising her younger siblings. They say they’re busy with Mel, but no one’s taking care if her either, for fucks sake. She likes Miley, JB, One D, same shit my kids like, but doesn’t get to enjoy it. She’s too damn busy. Poor kid. My sweet Haley-Bug, you are an angel for everything you do, you have ALL my respect, and i love you more than you will ever know. (Just throwin these in cuz I’ll now never get to say it to them.)

JoJo is my little man. Such a handsome little dark skinned brown eyed brown haired romeo. Always the flirt. Got a smile that’ll knock em dead already. Bat those long ass eyelashes at ya and its over. ALWAYS had a crush on Shayla. Called her his girlfriend. The only boy for sooo long, all he wanted was Daddys attention. But “Daddy” was too busy watchin UFC with a beer in one hand and a blunt in the other, to pay any attention. Not that i have a problem with beer, blunts, or UFC, except when you’re an abusive neglectful husband and father….JoJo, my little man, it hurts my heart that i will never see that handsome little smile of yours again. I love you always my sweet boy.
Oh dear…here i go again.

My sweet lil angel Cheyenne. Oh i miss her so. EVERY time i went thru that door she was on me like white on rice. I claimed her as mine when she was a six month old curly red headed chunky little baby doll, and i never let her go. I love my lil AnnaBanna. Such a princess. Always playing dress up, dresses, tiaras, high heels. Make-up. Hairbows. Oh my sweet Cheyenne, you own your own little corner spot in my heart. Forever. I love you sweet one.
Short, i know. This one hurts too much.

Chunky lil brown haired blue eyed Gracie. Another little angel in my life for a short time. Like Chey, i come thru the door, she’s on me. HOLD ME HOLD ME THELMA!!! This ones funny. Always got her shirt on backwards, or her pants inside out. Or smeared lip stick or marker all over her chubby lil freckled face. Or supper. Or dessert. Lol. Always on my lap. Always, ‘where’s your phone, Thelma? Take my picture.’ (Chey too) ‘Who gave you that ring Thelma?’ A curious one, that one. Gonna be SMART AS HELL! Always investigating. Looking. Observing. GracieBear, keep looking, love. There are wonderful things out there for you. I love you precious one.

Last but not least, and the one i spent the least time with, (he’s a mommys boy big time), little blonde haired blue eyed Dennis. FINALLY, a brother for JoJo. (And FINALLY, Heather got her tubes tied….) Dennis was just an infant when i left, and already hiding behind his mommys leg by the time i came back. He’s a very sweet lil boy, very shy. I remember when he was a baby, bout 6 mos, and in his carrier, he would rock the carrier so hard he would slide it all over the room. He did have some of JoJo’s flirtatiousness when last i saw him, but still too dern shy to make much use of it. Lil cutie pie. Once during one of Joey’s drunken & drug-fueled rages, a large flower pot or some such thing got ?pulled/knocked/thrown? off a shelf and knocked a GIANT goose egg on the top of his pretty lil head. Oh it was so huge! Got burned by a hot pot in the kitchen once during a fight. They’ve all gotten it, yeah, but remember, Dennis was ALWAYS near Heather, and Heather was ALWAYS Joey’s target. My lil DenDen, i hope that you manage to stay out of the way, and out of the line of fire. Tho we had the least time together, i love you no less than the rest….

Each of these children deserve SO much better than what they get. I’ve seen each of them with bruises obviously not from playing too rough or falling. Either someone got in the line of fire, or the one doing the swinging/throwing was so fucked up they couldn’t FIND the right target. Or maybe even someone pissed daddy off when he’d had too many and he went a little overboard. Heather refused to see ANYONE for 2 weeks about 8 months ago, because of the lovely BLACK eye Joey blessed her with. Even 2 weeks later when she finally agreed to see me, it was still obviously discolored. She’s been puttin up with, and for the most part, reciprocating his bullshit since age 15. I think that’s about 15 years or so…..i have a hard time pitying her, she stays. Leaves. Goes back. The ones i DO feel sorry for are the kids. They dont deserve a single second of the hell they go thru daily.

Now, back to where i started. *blushes* that was WAY up there…lol. Told ya i ramble. Just needed to tell that story to someone. Anyhow, so i visited for an hour or so, took in and dished out as much love as i could, gave Heather a couple of the flowers i dug, and said goodbye, with a promise to return, and bring MY kids. Now, as if my day hasn’t been emotional enough, to the cemetary. Its actually perfect now. I need quiet time to think, but someone to confide in. So i take my flowers, and go sit by the headstone of the closest i ever got to having a sister, until you all came along, that is. There’s a lot to think about. They promised not to tell Josh they saw me…but kids talk. And, if i go back, like i promised them, do i want to see Josh, or just keep it limited to them. Can i trust them not to set me up, have him there when i show up.If i DON’T go back, that’s a bridge burned. Joey will never open his door to me again, kids or no kids, mine or theirs. If i go back, and SEE Josh, how far? Friends again? More? I ask all of these questions to the open air, and wish more than anything that my friend was here to help me answer them…..


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