Soulmate The End (or is it?)

So I’m BADLY torn. Although things between us aren’t what they once were, I still love him more than the whole world, and don’t even want to be in a different room than him. Physically, EVERYTHING is still the same. We dont meet in the hallway without a kiss, or miss a single anniversary, or any other opportunity to give a random flower, or hug, or just say i love you. We still use all the sweet goofy lil pet names…I’m his pengwin, spelled wrong intentionally, he’s my angel. He tells me I’m beautiful multiple times a day. How lucky he is to have me. How he wants to wake up to my beautiful face every morning for the rest of his life. But somethings WRONG. I can’t put my finger exactly on it, but its not right. He’s there, just seems distant somehow. More inside himself. I asked for a sign, because I was at a loss. Didn’t know WHAT to do. Been thinking about leaving, but not 100% sure i want to, and NO IDEA how I’m going to. On the sunday before Thanksgiving, we were caught stealing. There’s my sign. A night or two later, i stood in front of the bathroom mirror, and REALLY looked. What i saw there shocked me. My exact thought was “Shelly, you look like an old woman.” I was 33. Granted I’m thin, and had really bad teeth, NOT from drugs btw, from lack of care *drops head again* AND from 3 yrs of nasty fucking braces…i hated those god awful damn things…anyway, back on track, my hair was turning gray! I dyed it regularly, but suddenly those roots were WAY more gray than dull brown. My face looked tired. I saw at least 10 more years than i should’ve. That chilled me to my very core, and i knew it was time. I proceeded to my shower, and began formulating a plan. NOTHING i came up with seemed feasible. Thursday came, and my dad picked Josh and i up for Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Josh sat in a corner and spoke to no one except my kids and my wonderful cousin/sister Maggie (tell that one later too) all night, as this was his usual habit when with my family. We ate, talked, watched football, the normal. When it was time to leave, Maggie pulled me into a room and asked if i was ok. Told her i had NO idea how to answer that, but i would know soon. My dad took us back home, all the way my wheels turning faster than the ones on the car. This was my ONLY shot until at least Christmas, when Daddy comes back again. Can i take another month? I don’t think so. So my decision is made. I’m going to do it. And i know how. Just need to borrow a little of his family’s talent(manipulation) to do it. Got the perfect plan. Now to keep the nerve til we get home. All this in a 20 minute drive. No wonder i was stressed and my hair was gray. Everyday was like this in some way. We arrive home and Josh and i get out of the car. I told daddy to wait. I kissed the man i had called my husband for so long, and told him wait inside, I’m going to borrow some money for cigarettes. I watched him walk in and close the door, got back in the car, and said “Drive”. “WHAT?” “Daddy, if you love me you will put the car in reverse and get me the hell out of here.” So he did. As we made the first turn, he asked “are you sure?” I begged him not to ask…just drive. Take me to the nearest store for a cigarette, then just drive…..

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