toksister's Blog

This time will be different. I will not move back into that house. Drugs more important than feelings. Sleep whenever you are able, not when you need or want. SMFH. That’s a resounding NO. I love him, want as much time with him as possible, but I can’t, won’t put my health, my body, my sanity through all that again. I spend all weekends, and any possible day in between with him.

Its hard at first. I have no job. He has no job. No money = no gas. But we made do… Life was perfect. I had my wonderful kids 🙂 and now I have the love of my life back. I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.

The weekends I have my girls, they stay with us, and we party and watch movies all weekend.

For the first few months everything is amazing. No fights. No drama. Just love. Fun. Happiness. SOUL MATES. Candle-lit dinners of chicken tenders and fries, just like always. Homemade cards. Flowers stolen from neighbors yards while the other wasn’t looking.

But…..the old saying, too good to be true…yeah. That’s it. One night I’m home, we’re chatting on the phone, and I notice he seems to be whispering. But, he said he was on the couch, watching tv alone. Why the fuck is he whispering. There’s never a quiet moment in that house. So I ask. “Oh, company came in.” What company? “One of Tim’s friends.” Ok. Who is it? (I know most of them, he has very few) “No one you know.” “But they know you.” Wait…WHAT? Know me how? “Just do.” No matter how I tried, he would say no more. Later, once he was in bed, and we were chatting again, there he goes, whispering again. Ok, NOW what? “Oh, Tims friend is sleeping in here with me.” WTF?? Why can’t he sleep in Tims room? He had NO reasonable explanation. And wouldn’t try. Just shrugged it off. So I did too. He DID finally tell me his name. A name I would come to LOATHE. And still do. Maybe always will. Ro FUCK I DON’T EVEN WANNA TYPE IT….ok….Roman. Ok. There. I did it. From here on out, he will be R, unless well, there will be lots of names for him. Except that one. I just…can’t. Never could. Not once I knew………*deep breath* Here I go. Days go by, and I notice it seems that R is always there. The only time he leaves is just before I arrive for a visit. Strange. Ok. Whatever
I really don’t care. Dude sounds like a fuckin punk from all I’ve heard ANYWAY. Point is, he’s always there, and he’s never with Tim. So I start asking questions. Questions for the most part left unanswered . He would only talk about him when he wanted, and only in certain contexts. So I DEMANDED to know what the FUCK is really goin on. Wish to God I’d never asked. But had to know. Back up a couple months….just after we were back together, Josh told me about a girl he had been talking to, maybe about to go out with, just the night before we saw each other again. Another tough name, but harder to avoid. (Easier to use now, since all my sisters are….) Angel. This bitch, however, most CERTAINLY had the wrong name. Anyway, she had asked him out. He told her he’d think about it. They’d just met. Then I came back along, sorry slut, bye bye. So months later, I find out that the person asking Josh out that night was not Angel, but R. Not only that, he was asking him back out. Ok. Pause. Yes, I knew Josh was bi-sexual. Always have. Josh is a lot of odd things, all mixed in one, all stemming from a VERY SHITTY childhood, all of which somehow made me love him all the more. Press play. My only question is he KNOWS this, why lie? Why hide it? We tell each other EVERYTHING. Why this. I felt betrayed. I hid NOTHING, and he knew it. He had begun to be constantly suspicious with me. Always wanted me on the phone with him, whether to chat or text. Didn’t matter which. I didn’t mind. SMH. I LOVED it.

Felt closer to him when we were apart. So he always knew what I was doing. Cuz I always told him. Not a thing to hide. Not from him. He’s always been mildly insecure. Let him. I’m happy.

A little suspicious myself tho. So much secrecy where R is concerned. Why he’s REALLY there. That particular story changed about a bazillion times. *shrug* Dont care. Want his stupid ass on the street rather than there tho. Things are goin bad. He finds a way to start a fight between Josh and I almost daily. Playing on Josh’s insecurites. Trying to convince him I am cheating. I am lying. I am anything I shouldn’t be. By this time, I was staying with my grandmother several days a week, making $50 a week, to pay for my gas, and my cell phone. So we’re spending less time together. But still R is always there. Which means he’s spending way MORE time WITH my love. Pitting him against me more every day…..